Music is a large part of why I am here today. It has helped me fight a battle with depression and anxiety for many moons. Thousands of people have the thought of taking their lives each day, it's the horrible reality that we live in. This is my story on how I've battled my depression with music and my past experiences.
July of 2016 I was officially diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I thought I could hold in my pain and after I graduated high-school I no longer the schedule buffer that helped me hide that. I thought that the things the entered my mind were just thoughts that eventually would go away overtime, and unfortunately they continued for a very long time and worsened. Big trauma from my childhood and past surfaced stronger and stronger everyday and I couldn't handle it, I didn't know how to, and I didn't want to talk about it. The pain was too much! Eventually I hit my breaking point from keeping everything bottled inside, suddenly it was as if a wet heavy black blanket way laid directly over my head and covered my entire body. I had no motivation, I stopped eating, started sleeping, and it ate me alive.
I knew my thoughts were not from a place of peace. They were dark, and even selfish I was letting Satan have 100% control of me not knowing how I could gain back the wheel to my car, my life! It was like I was screaming but no one could hear me. I was drowning in my own mind.
During the day I got exhausted from fighting the negative thoughts that circled my mind, so I would sleep, I coped with the bad thoughts through sleep! But when the night came I was wide awake like an owl from sleeping and eventually those same thoughts would surface. I felt PAIN, I spent nights crying and screaming into my pillow. Finally I It took trust in the Lord and my parents that they would understand how I was feeling. I broke down, I couldn’t cry in my room every night anymore and I was finished hiding my problems and that was the start to getting help.
There was one particular night I had that shook me to get the help I needed. I was in my bedroom looking at my Shakespeare collection from high school, thoughts were weaving in and out of my head and suddenly I thought to myself "I just need to slow down and sing or listen to some music". So I turned on my apple music playlist and Celine Dions version of "Show Must Go On" started playing.
Lyrics
Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score, on and on Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Another hero, another mindless crime Behind the curtain, in the pantomime Hold the line Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The show must go on The show must go on, yeah Inside my heart is breaking My makeup may be flaking But my smile, still, stays on
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance Another heartache, another failed romance, on and on Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning I must be warmer now I'll soon be turning, round the corner now Outside the dawn is breaking But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on The show must go on Inside my heart is breaking My makeup may be flaking But my smile, still, stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies Fairy tales of yesterday, grow but never die I can fly, my friends
The show must go on The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill I'll overkill I have to find the will to carry on
On with the Show Show must go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
The Song Helped Me
I said to myself in that moment after listening to that song... I don't want my show to end, but I don't want it to be painful like it's been. It broke my own heart to hear myself say that. I sobbed asking myself what life means to me, and in the deepest parts of my heart I respond back to it now today many years later having battled my depression with loved ones and music by my side - life to me means that the shows always got another act, there might be a few intermissions, technical difficulties, quick changes and more... but the show is meant to go on.
I'm grateful to music, i'm grateful to powerful lyrics that can help us through rough times. I hope to whoever reads this, that you know your show must go on. You matter in the world. I sit here today writing this blog with a loving husband, an incredible son, and a dog that's never left my side. Life is not all we thought it would be, but life is what it's meant to be and you get to choose how life rolls. Make boundaries, create memories, meet people, and know that it's okay to get help, it's important to get help.
And as always, my studio doors virtual and in-person are open to all those who wish to free their voice as part of the healing process or journey that you're on. Click the link to listen to the song. https://youtu.be/HrUkOhokOSQ
Comments